Feeling better/ only 2 left

Well I am on day 11 after my 4th chemo, the christie has decided that I should carry on with the same drug.
I got given 3 choises when we went there
1, stop the chemo
2, change to a different drug
3, have another 2 of the same drug

Now it's based on the ultra sound , the tumor has shrunk by half, the chemo drug I'm on is obviously working and if they changed the drug they can not guarantee that the new drug will work,
6 of the same drug does come with a possible side affect in later life , it can affect the heart and if you do have a heart attack you may not recover as well as you could , but it does not cause heart attacks, plus some one some where may have got lukimea after having the drug. It cracks me up they have to tell you these things and I'm sure that this could affect people's decisions on how to go forward.


I have been able to carry on with my hypnotherapy as they have agreed I can carry on , I have also requested to get some reflexology there as well , just waiting for a date and time that I can start.

This 4th one has been good , after them stabbing me 3 time again to get the canular in and blowing 2 veins leaving me with a very brushed hand and the nurse not being very good at giving me the drugs, they have given me 7 injections to take home to boost the blood cells , to keep me out of bloody Leighton , up to now I'm not going back , thank god.


Life at home has been lighter and happier this time , prob because I'm around and I do not feel ill, plus mike is better now as well. I'm starting to release how much affect I have on this house and when I'm down so is the house (no pressure lol)

I have found a drink that I quite enjoy , weight watchers wine rose lol, so i have been having a drink or two, xxxxx

Where's tigger?

after spending nearly a full week in hospital , I have been quite down , i feel i have no had a break this session and I have found it really hard to get my tigger back , New Year's Eve was terrible as i was in there , I do not feel like I have been able to start a new year as I'm in the same situation as I was before , nothing has changed and I'm not able to change things either,
 I know this year I will beat this thing but I have nothing to look forward to ,
my November and December was taken up with Xmas and being able to at least have a sort of normal day ,
Don't get me wrong I enjoyed Xmas day with my family and good food and drink and having good conversation, but after that it seams to been really hardcore,
Mike has not been this ill for years as he had tonsilitis and he also has found it extremely difficult with me being in hospital and him having to do it all and now he is back at work.

We are normally a house hold that laughs but I have not heard a laugh for days we just seam to exist.thank god for olivia she is the only thing that makes me smile.

i would love to be able to enjoy food, or a drink, or even want to go out and get dressed up.

Every one has been back at work and school , and I have just stayed in the house and slept , not sure it the chemo or I'm a little depressed , I even did not think I was able to have any more hypnotherapy at st Luke's as i did not get my usual confirmation call and you are only ment to get 6 sessions , and really when a course of chemo lasts 18 weeks you are finishing your holistic sessions half way through and it seams to be the hardest time  and the time you need extra support the most.

I try to think of the positives like :
I'm half way through and only 3 left
It's a short time out of my life to have my life back
i dont have to buy shampoo

But some times I can not remember a time before this

I suppose its an accumilation of everything , being in hospital, Xmas over , every one carrying on with their lives, feeling like crap, shit weather and nothing to look forward to.

I have my 4th session tomorrow of the same drug FEC and I'm hoping to find out what's in store for the rest of my treatment that I have left, I should also find out how the ultrasound did actually go as I never really got any results from Leighton other that it shrunk

I did get a hypnotherapy session on wednesday and its amazing how much diffrence it makes to my mind set , i feel like i am ready for tomorrow now, even though i am not physically feeling 100% this time round ,

sorry for my moan but these blogs help me put stuff in to perspective and get on with it ...............

5 days as an NHS inmate

follow on from last post: 

Temp still up unless i have paracetamol , so antibiotic have not started to work yet , not allowed to leave till i have 24hours with no temp

I may have to have my New Year's Eve on New Year's Day , better get hootenanny on record lol

DAY 2:  in hospital , they came at 3am to take bloods ,bloody hell , then the nurse had to send for the professionals to do it

I have been allocated a toilet out side my room that is only for me , due to getting cross infection , got up at 6.30 for my hundredth wee and some old bloke making straining noises in there , ew, can they not read its got my bloody name all over the door ,

Got a tv in my room. But only has one channel bbc1 lol
Got a night light but no bulb in it
No mirror

Spotted wifi but not sure if allowed to use it as needs a password , got one of the nurses on it. and guess what its not working


Well I'm opposite a ward full of men as I'm on the conary ward as only ward who had a side room, debating on playing jessie j full blast as its Xmas nature watch on tv ( kill me now)

At lunch time one old duffer decided that he was going to walk round with no bottoms on , tackle every where, he had his top on lol

Olivia came to visit, we went in to the day room and some idiot had taken his own canular our and not clamped the line and bleed all over the floor , Olivia just counted the spots of blood , Kerry started to heave lol

DAY 3: New Year's Eve, temp still up this morning so assigned my self I will not be leaving today, docs did rounds and told me I was going to be in here till at least the 2nd , as my white blood cells are almost zero so I need injection to boost them,

Day staff today have been really busy and I have seen no-one , I did not even get my temp taken again till I asked and that was because I could feel it going up,
The lady in the room next to me keep escaping from her room and saying she want to go home and the nurses keep putting her back to bed ,

Yesterday on of the male nurses sorted my tv out so I now have all free view channels , but bbc1 has been quite good for tv today ,
Tea was ment to be a buffet style meal , it was one cheese and pickle bap and an orange juice lol , guess the kitchen staff went home early
Good job I am having take out with the night staff lol

I Miss my family so much ,
 Olivia has been to see me with Kerry again today but because mike has tonsillitis I have not seen him since Saturday morning before I came in here .
Been a bit teary today , new year even in here , I'm fed up with them putting drugs in me , my room smells , I feel sick on and off all the time , finding it very hard to find my tigger at the mo, just want to go to sleep but they will wake me up to take my temperature , or some one will go the loo next door and the water pipes is really loud .

Nye ,I had a glass of schlor with the nurses at 12 , did not get a takeaway as it got busy with more people coming in , a lot of sickness and the poos on here as majority of people are male and over 70 one poor bloke could not shuffle to the bog in time last night , the joys of being a nurse , rather you than me guys , you do, do a fab joy and really under appreciated by some

New Year's Day , Tigger's back , temps down and just had my lunch hahahahahaha NHS food is bloody hilarious ,

Mushroom soup , very nice
Diced chicken in cherry sauce, 2 cubes of chicken , 8 cherry s , sauce ? May be gravey
Roast potatoes,

But an immense triple chocolate gateaux

Positive of being in here,
They have a bath as I don't at home we only have a walk in shower and cos all the other inmate are none mobile I get the bathroom to my self as well , one of the nurses did ask me the other day if I had all my shampoo and stuff lol, she nearly died , so I just mentioned you steph lol xx
weight loss due to shit food

Day 4: temp staying down now and had a blood test to check my white levels, food has not improved even though its a normal day , but this was the best meal i had, one thing is the soups are nice and i think they are made from scratch, , i so need to get home and have a good 12 hour sleep for 4 days running :), how the hell you are ment to get better when they give you your last injection at 1.30 in the morning , then they wake you up again at 6.30 for another bugger ,

DAY 5: yeh i can go home , apparently i coulf have gone yesterday but the nurses never asked on the blood results as advised by the doc , oh well , im off get me out of here,


back home now , priority to have a shower get the hospital smell out of my nose and second priority Costa

I think we will celebrate New Years Eve on saturday
xxxx