One week after nut cracking

well it's a week on and the story is :

This time last week I was unconscious with a nurosurgeon rummaging around in the back of my head taking out a 3 cm tumor, I got in to recovery around 6 , spent 14 in a ward of 4 ladies on 4-6 hours monitoring while being plugged in to saline, they asked us regular question like
Do you know where you are?
What year is it?
What month is it?
 Then the usual obs, blood pressure , temp, checked pupil reaction, only pain killers I was on was paracetamol and codine every 4-6 hours.

I seamed to passed with flying colours because I only spent one day in there then got to go in a private side room with my own bathroom and moved to 6 hourly obs but just in the day. If I needed anything I just pressed the button but by this time I was totally independent by then so I only ever need them if I wanted drugs .

My main goal was to be home before Xmas day, well they let me home after lunch on Monday with a bag of steroids and a few paracetamols that's all I need,

a massive thank you to every one that thought of me during this time and sent me messages, I did see them all but due to my eyes being still quite squiff and blurred I was almost impossible to reply, my eyes are not that much better and are still blurred but I was told they could get worse for a while till the swelling goes done in that area which may be a few weeks but I'm no longer wobbly and unbalanced on my feet wich did get quite bad before my op.

Today I have had 20 pin/ staples taken out out from the back of my head, my scar is quite impressive but as they have not shaved the hair in that area on the initial scabs have gone my hair will cover it and one even know.

It's amazing and I cant get my head around that only 7 days ago I was having a craniotomy and it happened , they told me that were able to get every thing they could see and I will probable need radiotherapy on my head to mop up and cells that may be left , hopefully that will stop it coming back in that area, then it's going to be a form of chemo to hold of the other bits that are in there.

It seams they want to give me similar chemo like I had before, so a chemo then 3 week gap then again on week 4, and I think I will be jessie time again as you hair falls out with radiotherapy any way, not sure which they will do first but they are just leaving me till the new year to recover now, then once they have the results from the testing of the tumour they can decide.



So heres is to the new year and a new road of treatment and hope to result in shrinkage or total blast of the fooker and we are hoping for no evidence detected (NED) with is a possibility if treatment works.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx PMA xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

LIVE  LOVE. LAUGH 

Crack that nut open and bin the bugger

Night before brain op,
 I go in at 7 tomorrow at Salford General , there is only me scheduled by this surgeon and the time span seams to be a few hours including recover from anaesthetic , I will be monitored fro a few hours over the day but I should not be in high dependency or anything like that . Once I am concours and poss eating with out any affects and there is no adverse pressure they will have me down on the ward .

I am till optimistic to be home for Xmas and this is my goal, . As span as I am able to I will post on Facebook or my blog even just to say I'm on my way to the ward.



So see you all on the other side hopefully with a 3 cm less lump and on the way to better vision and no headaches .


Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Riding the Big C Roller Coaster: Hardest blog ever but still positive

Riding the Big C Roller Coaster: Hardest blog ever but still positive: Well here goes You may have noticed I have not blogged for a while , that's because I have been getting on with life. But unfortunate...

Hardest blog ever but still positive

Well here goes
You may have noticed I have not blogged for a while , that's because I have been getting on with life.

But unfortunately the powers that be have decided that they will throw another spanner in the works,
I have been having headaches and funny stuff in my eyes, so mentioned it to my oncologist and was sent for an MRI on my head ,

It's not good news the little fookers have decided to set camp up in my head and have made a camping site 3cm big on the back left which affect vision , only one area for now, which apparently is a good thing I will be having surgery on the 19th as they are confident it can be cut out and then treatment with radiotherapy to mop up the stray cells that may be around  , I have been banned from driving and I'm back on steroids to stop the swelling.
This is classed as stage 4 cancer, they tell me is treatable but not curable .

I had a ct scan to see if they are camping anywhere else and it looks like there is an area on my liver , not sure how big but at moment not causing me any issues, and a spot on my hip bone and a lump under my arm I had my mastectomy on.
These will be treated and hopefully shrunk or stopped from growing by chemo of one for or another, this will be sorted offer my brain op prob in new year.

My new life will now consist or regular scans and treatments tailored to the growth of the tumours.

I have met ladies that have had these ops and have been back at work 3 months later and they have it in other areas of their bodies so are on regular chemo either by IV or tablet, but they are living their lives to the full potential and have been for years.I have found sites where ladies have lived with this 10 years plus, I realise that I will not make a pension age but it is not a guarantee as the amount of new treatment out there coming through is amazing ,

We have know for just over 4 weeks now and we needed this time to understand what this mean for us and what treatment I will be getting, I feel that I have come to terms with
 a lot of this and my view on life is now live every day as it comes, no one know the future weather you are ill or not and it's wasted energy and effort spending time on what ifs and whys, yes we have had some hard conversation but they needed to be said and once out in the open it means they can be
dealt with so that we can get past that and onwards.

I believe even more in positive thinking and that your body and mind can help you battle this .

I am still me , I feel very positive about the surgery and for my future, i will take everything they can throw at me ,I am not ill at all , I feel fit and well and I spend a lot of time doing mindfull thinking and living in the moment.
The past is gone , no one knows the future all you have is the here and now and that is how I will be spending my days.


I will be blogging regular again now, do not be afraid to contact me I still don't bite (I may do after they radiotherapy my head lol) , I still need friends to tell me of their days and troubles and life has not stopped , coffees and meals and drinks ,

LIVE LOVE LAUGH 

My wonky world part 2

I was thinking of changing my blog or starting a new one called my wonky world, as it no longer seam to fit " riding the big c roller coaster" as I am now on a new roller coaster "life after cancer"

It's been 7 week since my mastectomy , I really have no issues with looking at my scar as its my battle wound in a fight where I won. Im Slowly getting used to how to wear my clothes and that I have to carry my handbag on the other arm.
I have to go back to the hospital every week at the moment to get my scar sight drained of fluid build up , but I can't feel it and it only takes 20 mins so no biggie .

As most of you know I'm a people person and where I am not looking to go back to work yet I have been finding it hard spending so much time on my own , when mike and Olivia are out for the day.
I was slipping in to the cant be arsed faze and making my self worse by not even going for a costa,
i started a course of having reflexology at st Luke's and I was offered to join a one off group that they do every month called image workshop, I almost did not go as I really could not be arsed to make the effort, but I did and I really enjoyed it. It was a small group of ladies (5) and it was a talk about makeup, I did not come out with may tips that I did not already know and the make up that she used was not for me , but I met a few wonderful ladies and we had a laugh as chemo side effects and a general chat. What I got out of it was that I need to spend less time on my own and I am back putting makeup on again and being arsed to do stuff again.

I joined a gym last week to try to get my fitness back, plus I have signed up for the race for life in June  ( i have added my link if you would like to sponsor me ) so i need to pull my finger out
I'm also getting a course of hydrotherapy and I had my first one last week, it was fab and it really made a difference to the movement in my arm.

Yesterday I went to work  just to show my face as I do every so often , I went with out my wig on and I also did the school run without it on as well , I'm really pleased I did this but I will not be retiring my jessie yet , 1 its too cold and 2 I just don't think my real hair is girly enough for me yet.

These are all massive mile stone for anyone that has been where I have been and is on the way back up

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/sarahandolivia

HELL YEH

Today I have been to see my surgeon as a follow up after my mastectomy, this appointment is so they can check my scar is healing and give me e results of the test that would have been done one my breast had been taken off on the tumours


So September 2012 I was diagnosed as having two tumours 14cm apart and one measuring 14mm and the other 9 mm

Well today 12th of April 2013 I have been given THE ALL CLEAR the tumours that were taken have already been killed by the chemo and all they had left was scar tissue there were no cancer cells left

Massive smile on my face

So all that feeling of being ill was well worth it, as I have responded to the chemo so well I will not need any further treatment like radiotherapy.

I should be over the moon but me and mike can't quite take it in , over the past 8 months my life has been consumed by cancer , even before if I class my mum in that and now I'm cancer free , ok I have lost my hair and a boob but that has not really fazed me , i have a left arm that i now will have to treat like glass for the rest of my life but for now I just have to get my head around having my life back , which may be a bit harder than you think as I now have no security blanket of the regular treatments , I will get a review every 6 months with the christie and again with Leighton, I will also be looking in to reconstruction in the near future and my possibilities are far greater now I do not have to have radiotherapy,

I will also need to get my head around going back to work , which I really want to do but it's still a massive step

I'm going to have hydrotherapy for my arm movement and I will be starting a group session about moving forward,

But for now and today I will have a little celebration with a big fat pizza and some ice cream ( I will look in to losing my chemo weight one my chest has healed better )

In July I have signed Olivia and I up for the race for life in Manchester Heaton park so I will be hassling you for sponsorship and if you want to join me please feel free.

I AM NOW A SURVIVOR XX oh and my hair is growing back lol

A week later

Well it's been a week after my mastectomy and I can't believe how blooming quick that has gone,, I came home on the Thursday and I have had to do excersise straight away they had me doing these on the ward before I left,
as I mentioned in my last blog I came home with my drain sticking out of my left side, over the next 5 days I had stood  on it , pulled the tubes apart when I rolled over on the settee, slept really carefully as not to try to pull it out or strangle my self with it , and on Monday I got to go back to the ward and have it removed , I can not describe how that felt to any of you who have never had it done but it was the strangest feeling even odder than only having one boob.

I have got really good movement in my arm , I really expected not to be able to get dressed my self but as long as I do not have to put my arm over my head to high I'm fine,
Even though I have good movement they tell me I'm not allowed to drive for the next 3/4 weeks or as soon as I'm able to do an emergency stop safely, I'm already crawling the walls as I did not go out at all when I had my drain in as I was not walking down the street with my little pink bag they gave me to carry it in and as some of you may have seen I went straight to costa once it was out.

The feeling I now have a week after is strange , all down the back of my arm tingles and is very sensitive , I have been told its due to the nerves being stretched and damaged while I was under, I do not have any pain across my scar ( which by the way is a massive smile shape ) , it is difficult to get comply at night but its a minor thing to have to deal with I suppose. I have been told that they put loads of anaesthetic all around the site and as that wears off u get the feeling like u get at the dentist, I have no feeling under my arm and in my arm pit, that may never come back and now I have to look after my left arm as though it was fragile glass, no damage to my arm or hand at all , no heavy lifting not injecting ,blood test or blood pressure to be taken from that arm for the rest of my life.
I have a load of appointments to go to over the next few months.

Today I was given a present from one of the school mums that I have got to know during this whole mess , I have found I have lost friends and family but I have found new one to replace the gaps and these people fill the gaps far better than what was filling them before ,

My wonky world

I had my next major step of my journey , my mastectomy, I had this on Wednesday, they requested me to be on the ward at 7.30am I assumed I would be going down early, I had not eaten since 6 ish the night before ,
Well as our NHS have odd workings a lady went in before me and she was having major surgery, probably with full recon, so they told me I would be going down around early afternoon, there was no beds either so I had to wait in the day room on the ward, well 7 hours later after them drawing on me and getting me in the hospital gown , I eventually went to theatre at 3.15 by that time I was starting to get a headache due to no drink and food I think,
I felt really calm and totally focused on what was going on, I was really surprised at my self on how calm I was and how accepting I have been with this whole thing, I must give some of that credit to friends and family who just chat to me and listen to me going on and to Fraser and the hypnotherapy it has done me wonders and I recommend everyone to try it with an open mind.

I am now banned from driving for at least 4 weeks boo and im going to be crawling the walls by the end of that time .
i have a new best friend for the next 4 days , my drain , it's a bit icky lol and the only bit that hurts is where it's incerted in to my chest the rest on my scar does not really hurt its very numb and flat
, it's quite dramatic with me having a rather large chest and I really hope that the fake boob they give me in 6 weeks will let me be balanced up till I can have my recon , but I suppose with all you guys knowing if you do see me walking a little strange and leaning over to my right side you will know its not quite right and I am not doing an impression of quasi modo ( the bells) lol

I spent one night on the ward , they had put inflatable compression on my legs to avoid blood clots but between them inflating and deflating and the other women on the ward snoring and the nurses coming  to check my obs and going to the loo as they were giving me loads of liquids I did not get much sleep , the nurses on the ward and all the other staff were fab its a really busy ward but I never felt like I was not looked after , I saw my breast care nurse at 3 on the first day she had come up to discharge me but due to me not even going down , I tried to run off but she stopped me hahahah, I have seen a physo lady who has shown me excersise I need to do to keep movement in my arm , which I have far more of than I expected, I did not think I would be able to get dressed with out help but I'm good. And I have a load of different appointments to go to over the next few weeks. One of them is to find out the results from the lump and to see if I will need 3/4 weeks of radiotherapy and if they are going to give me a prevention hormone drug for the next 5 years .

When I got home the day after ,I came home to this, the card was made by Olivia's class as she has been struggling with the operation she has had loads of support from her class and inside the card is photos of the whole class including the teacher pulling funny faces, the flowers and the chocs are from mike and Olivia,

I also got a delivery from moon pig when I got in from Talia's family ( Olivia's friend from school , Leona and Stuart ) I have to give a massive thankyou to you as you really do not realise how much help you have given me by taking Olivia to school and picking her up if needed, and the card and chocolates are really appreciated and yummy so for now I am chilling on the settee where I will be spending quite a bit of time , with mike fussing around me like a nurse maid ( buggered him off to golf today lol) and watching crap on the tv and making sock monkeys , and boredom blogging but after the school holiday I may be calling out for adult contact and company so will have to put out visiting hours lol ,

Bye bye boobie

Its been 4 full weeks since my last chemo and i feel about 95% normal, i prob would be closer to the 100% if it were not for my bloody hot sweats and the lack of sleep because of them, but us women will have to go through it at some point , im just getting mine away early ,
my hair is growing back but it's just like baby fluff at the moment ..and I have put far too much weight on ( but I'm going to lose quite a bit of that with one boob gone hahahahahaha)

Ok to the next big step is due tomorrow , my mastectomy with clearance of my lymph nodes , I am booked in to the ward at 7.30 but im not sure what time i will be going down, i will be in over night and they will be sending me home with my drains in on Thursday, to be honest the less time I spend in hospital the better I think.
other ladies I'm I touch with say its way easier than chemo and I kind of breezed through that , it's all about the fear of the unknown.

Olivia has been struggling with this op and we have had a lot of tears and clingy moments for her. So I want this over with for her now as well as me and mike as its upsetting me to see her upset.

I'm getting quite nervousness now , I have not sorted out a bag for over night things or anything, may be I will be a bit better once I have sorted that out ,
I need to buy some pjs that button up the front as movement in my arm will not be that good and of course it's going to be sore, already finding it difficult to get underwear to fit with out taking out a mortgage, I will invest in some good stuff at a later date but I need to heal first and I would like to at least hold the one I have got left down lol

I'm not allowed to drive for about 3/4 weeks so I'm going to be crawling the blooming walls of this house , as I can not stand day time tv,  but at least Olivia is off for the next 2 weeks and mike is off for the first of those weeks .

After about 6 weeks post op I may need to go for radiotherapy which could be 3/4 weeks every day at the christie and they may be putting me on a drug for the next 5 years but we will not know that till the removal and the lumps have been tested.

So I'm signing out for now but as I will be bored stiff I may do a few extra of these.

Just the beginning

Since my very last chemo I have been quite busy, I an now 2 weeks down the line and again my side effects have been kind ,I have my moments and find I do get quite exhausted by tea time and some days small things really knacker me out but I'm on the other side so this is a small price to pay,


The other weekend I did a charity bike ride for St Luke's hospice and I got my Baldy Head out for the first time in public , it really did not bother me I got a few looks but no one really bothered.    Loved being on the back of the bike but would not give up my nice warm car.

            

Slowly getting toward my date of the operation 27th, I'm trying to get a few things sorted, like what and how they are going to do my op I have an appointment with my Macmillan nurse this week and I'm going to grill her with loads of questions, this will be the first time I have had an appointment with my nurse so she does not know what she is in for lol

On Friday I have a review appointment at the christie to make sure I have not turned green or anything since my last chemo, it still has not sunk in that I will not be having any more and that the side effect will now get less and less, this means I may start to feel normal again , how long this will take is another question I will be asking. 

MOTHERS DAY

I had a good Mother's Day got a lovely card and chocolates from Olivia , then I arranged to scatter mums ashes over the daffodils along the river weaver where she used to walk her dogs, I found a really good spot that had loads of daffodils starting to grow and probably never get built on.

It's feels like the beginning of a new start , chemo finished, operation looming, getting close to the end of my journey, I have even been arranging possible dates for returning to work, all these things are plans for the future which we have not been able to even think about whilst going through chemo it has been one day at a time 

It is still hard to look too far in to the future but no know know what's installed for them anyway, once I have had my operation and my radiotherapy I will be back in the land of the general public and  trying to get back to a normal life, this will always be a part of me and will always be in the back of my mind, but I will know that I have given my self the best chance I possibly could have by going through this course of treatment and hopefully it will sit right at the back of my mind and I can carry on living with my family and friends.

I WILL be one of the ladies that 30 years down the line can say I had that and beat it,

 I think I may become more involved in helping others that are going through this treatment, as I feel that is what's missing, no positive stories probably because the 85% of people that are classed as survivors are getting on with their lives 

Well it's all happening

Finished all my chemo drugs and injections now
got another ultrasound scan next week
Got a pre op appointment and Got my date for my op today 27th march to say bye bye to one boobie and the bloody c  , I can safetly say I am bricking it last time I went under the knife I was 15.

They tell me I will be out In a day if not the same day , they send you home with your drains in now, better than being in bloody hospital I suppose.

It's worked ok as mike is on shut down the first week as it Easter holidays not sure what we will do the week after but I may be ok we shall deal with that when we come to it.

What have I let my self in for:
I have agreed to go on a charity motorbike ride tomorrow , never been on the back of my brothers bike before and I have decided not to wear my wig as it will only come off when I take my helmet off so it will be my first bald outing , but the ride is for st Luke's the local hospice so I suppose its ok anyway.

Chemo brain moment:
Last week mike was out so I sent him a txt saying I had gone to bed early and taken a sleeping pill so may not hear him come in and I ended it " I love u" and them promptly sent it to my team leader hahahahahahahahahahahahah as soon as I did it I relised and spent the next half an hour laughing about it so did she lol xxx

Im a Chemo graduate

Today I had my last chemo session , we got In really quick and I though we would be done by 12 but no they had lost my notes so this delayed everything but hey ho it's my last one ,

As every time I have been I get to see the oncologist team and discuss my side effect from the last session and to make sure I have enough drugs and stuff to keep me going to the next session.

So they tell me that I will be getting another scan before my op and that I will go back again after the three weeks are up for a review and a blood test to make sure all has gone back to normal and that my white blood cells have sorted themselves out , plus I get to speak to the oncologist again Re the treatment I have had,
I have been told today that the treatment that I have had has been the full wack every time and that the type of treatment is very harsh which is one reason they do change it half way on standard treatment , so I'm well proud of my self that I have had a really harsh treatment and I have sailed through it.

I'm not celebrating tonight but I will be in a few weeks when I'm feeling better. we will be having a buffet with Olivia and mike , like we should have had on New Year's Eve as I still have buffet food in the freeze.

I think mike and Olivia are relieved that the worst part is over and I keep being told by other women that have been through this that the operation and the radiation is the easy bit.

Last one tomorrow

The last 3 weeks have been brill I have found my love of making sock monkeys after buying a new sewing machine, had orders for them already may even start getting them back on eBay 

I have also been out on my first proper night out since all this crap started , I went on the lovely Naomi's hen night in Manchester , we started on the curry mile where I had a korma and because of my sore mouth it tasted hot ( what's that all about, one side effect I can not wait to get rid of) then we went to the dogs , I won 2 races and only ended up being down £3.20 , I just bet on the dogs I liked the names of . Then we went to a rock pub in Manchester ,some where , I had a really good night even though I did not really drink much as I did not want it , 

I hope the tea total thing goes as I did enjoy the odd beverage now and again.

It has been school holidays this week and mikes birthday, so we have done loads , been to Liverpool, made candles , been for ice cream ( putting weight on). not really though about cancer much, and now it's come time to have my last chemo ...................

I'm a little nervous and excited all at the same time as I will not get to see the oncologist again and now I go under the surgeon and possibility the radiographer but I will not know if I need him till I have had my operation.

I went to see the surgeon on Tuesday and to be honest they did not tell me anything I did not really know , they are doing a mastectomy but will not do a reconstruction at the same time and will not take the good boob off at the same time . Really disappointed at this but it's because the possible radiotherapy that I may need affects the elasticity of the skin so if they do the recon it may go wrong and would have to redo it . It looks like I would not get the recon done for 12 months which seams a really long time, so I am going to ask at the christie tomorrow .

So bring on the last chemo and the last set of side effects and the steroid lack of sleep and the manky mouth and the increase of hot sweats as I want to get closer to the op when they cut the bugger out , I can do this and I am still going to beat this and get life back ...........

So I need all the thought and hugs and good luck vibes I can get from all you that read this.  This will not be my last blog I'm here to bloody stay 

Xxxxxxxxxx

Only 1 left yeh

I can safely say that the last 3 weeks since chemo 4 have probably been the best I have had , side effects seam to last an extra day but they were tolerable , I have had coffee with some fab ladies , sarah , Lisa, Alison,.
 I had all intentions of popping in to work this week but due to my hectic social coffee chats I have not ,sorry, may be next time

Hey guys just so you know
I HAVE ONLY 1 LEFT 

Got an appointment with the surgeon on the 19th feb to see what they will off me , Or what i will turn down as I want both gone and reconstruction, but lets see eh !, he may offer it anyway because of mum.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now , I still have a way to go as they may give me radiation on the area and that is usually a full month every day but let's wait .

So guys , I have just got back from my 5th chemo,
Not really that much to report just the usual , 2hour delays and mess up with my meds that I bring home , so we got there at 10.15 and left there around 4.45 , no idea what the delays happen really but we do go with the mind that we are going to be there all day and if we get out when it's light it's a bonus .s

So I'm back home sitting waiting for my Friday pizza to cook and started drinking as much water as I can to flush this bugger through and not extend the side affects ,


So bloody bring on the manly mouth the nausea the steroid high stopping me from sleeping and hurry up and bugger off I have a hen night to go out and enjoy in 15 days , so no trips to the hospital please  just give me what I have had for the last 3 weeks and we will be fine.


This is what I say to all this lol

Feeling better/ only 2 left

Well I am on day 11 after my 4th chemo, the christie has decided that I should carry on with the same drug.
I got given 3 choises when we went there
1, stop the chemo
2, change to a different drug
3, have another 2 of the same drug

Now it's based on the ultra sound , the tumor has shrunk by half, the chemo drug I'm on is obviously working and if they changed the drug they can not guarantee that the new drug will work,
6 of the same drug does come with a possible side affect in later life , it can affect the heart and if you do have a heart attack you may not recover as well as you could , but it does not cause heart attacks, plus some one some where may have got lukimea after having the drug. It cracks me up they have to tell you these things and I'm sure that this could affect people's decisions on how to go forward.


I have been able to carry on with my hypnotherapy as they have agreed I can carry on , I have also requested to get some reflexology there as well , just waiting for a date and time that I can start.

This 4th one has been good , after them stabbing me 3 time again to get the canular in and blowing 2 veins leaving me with a very brushed hand and the nurse not being very good at giving me the drugs, they have given me 7 injections to take home to boost the blood cells , to keep me out of bloody Leighton , up to now I'm not going back , thank god.


Life at home has been lighter and happier this time , prob because I'm around and I do not feel ill, plus mike is better now as well. I'm starting to release how much affect I have on this house and when I'm down so is the house (no pressure lol)

I have found a drink that I quite enjoy , weight watchers wine rose lol, so i have been having a drink or two, xxxxx

Where's tigger?

after spending nearly a full week in hospital , I have been quite down , i feel i have no had a break this session and I have found it really hard to get my tigger back , New Year's Eve was terrible as i was in there , I do not feel like I have been able to start a new year as I'm in the same situation as I was before , nothing has changed and I'm not able to change things either,
 I know this year I will beat this thing but I have nothing to look forward to ,
my November and December was taken up with Xmas and being able to at least have a sort of normal day ,
Don't get me wrong I enjoyed Xmas day with my family and good food and drink and having good conversation, but after that it seams to been really hardcore,
Mike has not been this ill for years as he had tonsilitis and he also has found it extremely difficult with me being in hospital and him having to do it all and now he is back at work.

We are normally a house hold that laughs but I have not heard a laugh for days we just seam to exist.thank god for olivia she is the only thing that makes me smile.

i would love to be able to enjoy food, or a drink, or even want to go out and get dressed up.

Every one has been back at work and school , and I have just stayed in the house and slept , not sure it the chemo or I'm a little depressed , I even did not think I was able to have any more hypnotherapy at st Luke's as i did not get my usual confirmation call and you are only ment to get 6 sessions , and really when a course of chemo lasts 18 weeks you are finishing your holistic sessions half way through and it seams to be the hardest time  and the time you need extra support the most.

I try to think of the positives like :
I'm half way through and only 3 left
It's a short time out of my life to have my life back
i dont have to buy shampoo

But some times I can not remember a time before this

I suppose its an accumilation of everything , being in hospital, Xmas over , every one carrying on with their lives, feeling like crap, shit weather and nothing to look forward to.

I have my 4th session tomorrow of the same drug FEC and I'm hoping to find out what's in store for the rest of my treatment that I have left, I should also find out how the ultrasound did actually go as I never really got any results from Leighton other that it shrunk

I did get a hypnotherapy session on wednesday and its amazing how much diffrence it makes to my mind set , i feel like i am ready for tomorrow now, even though i am not physically feeling 100% this time round ,

sorry for my moan but these blogs help me put stuff in to perspective and get on with it ...............

5 days as an NHS inmate

follow on from last post: 

Temp still up unless i have paracetamol , so antibiotic have not started to work yet , not allowed to leave till i have 24hours with no temp

I may have to have my New Year's Eve on New Year's Day , better get hootenanny on record lol

DAY 2:  in hospital , they came at 3am to take bloods ,bloody hell , then the nurse had to send for the professionals to do it

I have been allocated a toilet out side my room that is only for me , due to getting cross infection , got up at 6.30 for my hundredth wee and some old bloke making straining noises in there , ew, can they not read its got my bloody name all over the door ,

Got a tv in my room. But only has one channel bbc1 lol
Got a night light but no bulb in it
No mirror

Spotted wifi but not sure if allowed to use it as needs a password , got one of the nurses on it. and guess what its not working


Well I'm opposite a ward full of men as I'm on the conary ward as only ward who had a side room, debating on playing jessie j full blast as its Xmas nature watch on tv ( kill me now)

At lunch time one old duffer decided that he was going to walk round with no bottoms on , tackle every where, he had his top on lol

Olivia came to visit, we went in to the day room and some idiot had taken his own canular our and not clamped the line and bleed all over the floor , Olivia just counted the spots of blood , Kerry started to heave lol

DAY 3: New Year's Eve, temp still up this morning so assigned my self I will not be leaving today, docs did rounds and told me I was going to be in here till at least the 2nd , as my white blood cells are almost zero so I need injection to boost them,

Day staff today have been really busy and I have seen no-one , I did not even get my temp taken again till I asked and that was because I could feel it going up,
The lady in the room next to me keep escaping from her room and saying she want to go home and the nurses keep putting her back to bed ,

Yesterday on of the male nurses sorted my tv out so I now have all free view channels , but bbc1 has been quite good for tv today ,
Tea was ment to be a buffet style meal , it was one cheese and pickle bap and an orange juice lol , guess the kitchen staff went home early
Good job I am having take out with the night staff lol

I Miss my family so much ,
 Olivia has been to see me with Kerry again today but because mike has tonsillitis I have not seen him since Saturday morning before I came in here .
Been a bit teary today , new year even in here , I'm fed up with them putting drugs in me , my room smells , I feel sick on and off all the time , finding it very hard to find my tigger at the mo, just want to go to sleep but they will wake me up to take my temperature , or some one will go the loo next door and the water pipes is really loud .

Nye ,I had a glass of schlor with the nurses at 12 , did not get a takeaway as it got busy with more people coming in , a lot of sickness and the poos on here as majority of people are male and over 70 one poor bloke could not shuffle to the bog in time last night , the joys of being a nurse , rather you than me guys , you do, do a fab joy and really under appreciated by some

New Year's Day , Tigger's back , temps down and just had my lunch hahahahahaha NHS food is bloody hilarious ,

Mushroom soup , very nice
Diced chicken in cherry sauce, 2 cubes of chicken , 8 cherry s , sauce ? May be gravey
Roast potatoes,

But an immense triple chocolate gateaux

Positive of being in here,
They have a bath as I don't at home we only have a walk in shower and cos all the other inmate are none mobile I get the bathroom to my self as well , one of the nurses did ask me the other day if I had all my shampoo and stuff lol, she nearly died , so I just mentioned you steph lol xx
weight loss due to shit food

Day 4: temp staying down now and had a blood test to check my white levels, food has not improved even though its a normal day , but this was the best meal i had, one thing is the soups are nice and i think they are made from scratch, , i so need to get home and have a good 12 hour sleep for 4 days running :), how the hell you are ment to get better when they give you your last injection at 1.30 in the morning , then they wake you up again at 6.30 for another bugger ,

DAY 5: yeh i can go home , apparently i coulf have gone yesterday but the nurses never asked on the blood results as advised by the doc , oh well , im off get me out of here,


back home now , priority to have a shower get the hospital smell out of my nose and second priority Costa

I think we will celebrate New Years Eve on saturday
xxxx