It could only happen to me

Woke  this morning with a temperature , not good as that means a trip to the hospital, I suppose it was inevitable as mike quite ill with temp and cold , Olivia been ill with infections and Naomi ill with cold symptoms as well , as I am coming in to the part of my chemo that means I have no immune system.only a matter of time

I feel quite well but I have a cough, so at 9.30 I book my self in to A&E at Leighton , get seen really quick and they get me in to an isolation room on A&E

They take bloods , give me an X-ray , ECG, hook me up to all killing antibiotics,
Bloods come back as low white sells , well derr lol

Been here 7 hours and I think I'm bedding down in A&E as they have brought me a proper bed as there is no side rooms on the wards.

Well this will be interesting spending Saturday night in A&E , not much sleeping going to get done , I do not think.

I did pack a bag ready for an over night stay, and I did pack my head phones and my iPad , can u tell I used to be a girl guide ,

Mike sent me an NHS food survival kit
It contains
4 butties
2packest of crisps
Can of pop , ( could have done with more than one at 1.30 a bottle here  lol
A large bar of galaxy
A cake

I would put a pic but as doing this on mobile 3 g I should be out of here before it uploads lol

it's all worth it

I stuck to my word and did nothing for 3 days , I slept and drank water, it was hard for mike as Olivia has not been very well either so he was nurse maid to both of us , but it paid off , I was able to haul my ass out of bed when Olivia did on Christmas Day ( which was around 8 as she was ill) ,

All the family came round , and we got surrounded by wrapping paper and Olivia's presents , I think she has really been spoilt this year , but she has been a really good kid and the end of this year has been really hard and she has coped very well , I'm such a proud mummy,

Christmas dinner was brill and tasty ( thanks aunt Bessie lol) oh yeh and my mother in law Lynette for cooking it and saving jessie from getting singed by the oven .


Been for my ultra sound scan this morning , the doctor had problems finding the main one and it was difficult to measure but on the largest part she could find it measured 8mm (it was 14mm) , because she had problems finding it I had another mammogram and she compared the pic and it has defiantly shrunk , so the days when I have heartburn, constipation, nausea , tiredness and even the blooming nurses that can't get a canular In makes it all worth it , so now we wait and see that they are going to do with me after my 4th chemo but that is not till the 11th jan , so now time to enjoy the time with my family and celebrate New Year's Eve and hope that 2013 hold better health for me and my family and friends

funnies from yesterday i forget to add

Chemo brain :

when i went in to see the doc , he tries to measure my lump so obviously this entails the manhandling of my boob , so he is is apologising about squidging it around then he says well its not a bad job hahahahahaha the nurse nearly died and me being me i laughed and said "bet it is " hahaha mike is looking at the wall by now hahahahahahahaah

back in the waiting room and another Jessie walks in , a bit older than me , but mine is better (hope she does not read this ooppp and sorry lol) i took a sneaky pic

then during my chemo (well before it started) and when I'm having my moment , when i whip my wig of because in having a hot sweat , i gave it to mike , he did not know what to do with it , he did not want to hold it as its like a rat and made him feel odd, he did not want to put it in my bag just in case it got scruffy and he did not want to put it on the table as it looked funny so he hung it on the back of the chair lol bless

an up and down day

Ok so it's time for my 3rd round of FEC just ready for Christmas, Olivia is spending the day with +Naomi Thomas at a garden center making pottery and visiting Santa for the 4th time ,
this is what she made , im well impressed

So we go early to @christie hospital and its not too long before I get my bloods done about an hour and then go to see the doc , he tells me its shrunk even more and the lump under my arm that was easy to find he can not feel it at all , they have decided to give me another FEC in jan then see what the ultrasouns scan shows next week if i need more ......so all amazing and all is normal up to now ,

So we go up stairs to the trial suit to get told that my chair is not booked there its been booked on to the NHS side , it seems that the guy who said he would sort it out three weeks ago did not ,

Now the NHS side is already 1hour delay as the computers have gone down and they are still waiting to get then up and running , so I get told I can wait for the NHS chair as I'm booked on or I can wait poss 2 hours extra to go on to the trial suit once they have a chair free, it difficult because of the drugs I'm having they have to be administered by a person not on a drip , so not only do I need a chair I need some one who can do the drugs.

After 2 1/2 hours i get a call to go to the NHS part at about 2 pm , my treatment was ment to be 11, I sit down and a nurse comes , and she seams to think that I have a problem with the needles and because of my hypnotherapy I do not have any issue well UP TILL NOW she tries  twice and the second one bloody hurt and I'm feeling a bit squiffy now , so she get some one else as they are only allowed to try twice, while this is happening my hubby is going as white as me lol .mike I love you loads, I know it's hard seeing some one go through this. But you are my rock and you showed that today xxxxx
A new girl comes and gets it in first time but by now my squiffy has turned to hot sweats and almost pass out stage , so it legs up and oxygen on and even my wig gets thrown to the side , after a few moments and a very sweaty head , the oxygen is working and I managed to stay conscious .
I think I will ask for oxygen every time lol ,

We leave there around 3.30

Now I'm back home after picking Olivia up , I got a lovely bunch of flowers from +Naomi Thomas
 and Olivia

 Now I'm officially on strike , sleeping and drinking loads of water to get my self ready and as well as I can be for Xmas day with my lovely family .

have a fabd xmas and a happy new year , but i will be blogging over the festive period xxxxxxx

it's been a good day

Day started off very cold -5 in the car but I was off to work to do the secret Santa,

I popped in to my usual Costa coffee to get a take out , I had made an effort and done my make up and I had Jessie on , on the way out I got a wolfe whistle and got asked for my number , I shot him down in one fail swoop of course but what an ego boost lol, I'm 42 bald with dodgy boobs and some bit of totty wants my number hahahahahaha

Once I got to work we did the secret Santa and this what I got:

 

Hahahahahaha even more excuse to spend time in Costa plus now when I get more Costa pods for my tassimo I can now enjoy a snack at the same time , thanks Santa (Sam)

 

I love going in to work (for a social visit) i get loads of hugs and i love catching up with you all, its nice to show my face and really show how well i am doing, i am still thinking of going back and doing admin stuff , if they can sort my systems out in time i may come back in the new year on my good days . 

I also got a belated birthday present from my friend Steph,
................................there is a story to this ,

she had got me some things from the body shop and after reading my blog last night and seeing my bald picture she realised  she had bought me hair stuff lol so quick present change and I got this and it smells fab xxxxxx thanks mate you do make me laugh

 

plus a pic of my lovely birthday flowers now in bloom

 

 

because. I'm worth it

Since I have had this horrible c thing , I have realised that I'm worth a lot more than I was treating my self

So yesterday , I went out with Naomi ( future sister in law) and we had a pampering session, facial, pedicure , hand massage , there was a back massage included but I'm not able to have that as it stimulated the blood flow and I was told that it could possibly feed the tumours and I don't want that as its shrinking, thank you millions , its was relaxing and helped me sleep through the night and wake up feeling fab today

I think I will be doing more stuff for me with my family.

On that note as well I have an ultra sound scan on the 28th to check that the tumours have shrunk, we know the swelling around the area has shrunk loads so hope that the tumours have shrunk as well.

And I have had my nails done in Christmas colours, and I have spent a good amount of money on some amazing make up, I got the best wig I could find, every week I go to a hypnotherapist , its all about me now .

On Christmas Day I will be ordering every one from the comfort of my settee lol as my next chemo is the 21st

Tomorrow I'm going in to work to do my secret Santa , hope my Santa has not got me hair stuff lol

Now its time to spend time with my family and get past the half way mark on my chemo treatment .

On my c journey I speak to people that think I'm amazing , not really sure why as I just take every day as it comes and the way I am is just ME , I will not let this take over and I will be stronger than this thing, no question is a silly question , so ask away if you really want to ask,
I have been told that people are checking their breasts and that my blogs are being read by families and help people to understand someones cancer journey, every one is different and the chemo is different for every person i have friends that are on the same journey as me but have their own problems but what we all know is that we will all beat this, but if I can help anyone with this blog that also helps me to get through the hard days when I feel down and physically I'll which is usually the week after my chemo treatment.
people need to talk about it and make this a common conversation to raise awareness, its all about early detection.

It's my birthday

I'm 42 today and as bald as a coot, never thought I would be saying that, side affects were harder this time and lasted a bit longer but they are wearing off slowly now and I'm chilling in the house today, not even trying to go out in the mad Xmas run.

my next chemo is the 21st so all I'm hoping is i am able to get out of bed to watch Olivia open her presents and for me to open mine.

We are having the family here for Christmas day and they are doing all the food and i will be chilling like lady muck shouting my orders from the comfort of the settee :)


you know i always try to look in the bright side , its tiggers fault, but other advantages I have found having c ( i have decided no longer to use a capital C as it dos not deserve the accolade of making it stand out ) ,,
 as i think of more i will start adding them on

• I can go out in the week when all the nut jobs are at work( not aimed at any one) lol
• Having no hair means when putting make up and moisturiser on I don't get it in my hair as I put that on after hahahahahaha.

I got a lovely bunch of flowers from my every loving husband and extremely grounded daughter Olivia
thankyou i love you both millions and squillions

A family ritual since Olivia was 1 is every year on all our birthdays we always have a Colin the caterpillar birthday cake from M&S it is the best chocolate cake ever, and who every birthday it is gets to eat his head

 

We also put the Christmas decorations up on my birthday weekend, best tree ever designed by Olivia

 

Because over Xmas I will not be able to dazzle people with my cascading curls of hair , I have done my other favourite thing and had my nails done be the lovely Laura Denton , these nails are totally me lol 

 

 

 

later we are off out for a meal , This will be the first time I will have been out on a social event since all that crap started, I looking forward to getting dressed up and really showing Jessie off as she deserves.

 

things start to calm down on week 2 and life gets back to normal, (well as normal as it can get)

 

Mike is going back to work next week, so i may be more bored and even considering on my good days going back to work, for my own head,plus there is only so much Costa you can drink

 so watch this space.

XXXXXXXXXXX

I must learn to take it easy

Day 3 after 2nd chemo,
I spent all day in bed yesterday, it's hit me a bit harder this time with the nausea and the tiredness but I do not think the cough I had helped and a few other side affect that you get we're still making me sick( I will not go in too much detail)

Got up today eventually and been out in the fresh air and yes had a costa lol
Came back home and decided to potter in the back room and make it usable again instead of being full of crap, so that my bro and his better half can stop over if they want a drink over Xmas,

Well I think I have over done it as I'm shattered now and not really done much ,
I did sort some photos out of my mum and they made me smile , she was a bugger.

I must learn to take it easy and eat more as thinking about it not had much food today, well it all tastes like ....... Well nothing at the mo ...... Cardboard may be tastier lol


Xxxx still triggering xxxxxx

Third of the way through

Had my second chemo today , before I went I was feeling tired due to my cough keeping me awake, this is now getting better but I am now on catch up with my sleep , so I got my ass in gear and went as jessie all glammed up.
All went well, there was no disasters and we were in and out reasonably quickly ,

As I have said before my tumours are 14mm and 8mm but my body has swelled around them to a measurement of 16 cm measured before my first chemo , well it measured today 7cm LESS which is amazing and it looks like the drugs they are giving my suit my body and are working.

I am totally knackered now but because I get given steroids with my chemo and more to take for the next few days, sleep will be hard to find at normal times. Feel a bit sicky this time but got enough drugs to help with that.

Over the weekend I get to have breakfast in bed made by Olivia, she is looking forward to looking after mummy, as it does take me a while to get my act together over the next few days , but you know me I will bounce back soon.

I seam to think about mum on these days a lot, wish she was still here and helping me through this but I have an amazing and best family and amazing friends to make up for it , I love you all xx I know I could not get through this with out you all ..

Jessie at work

Been in to work today , thought I should before , my next chemo on Friday , just to see you guys.

I went to show jessie off I suppose , even though I have put her on here and my Facebook I was still a bit nervousness showing her off in the flesh ( well material) , but I really have need not worried , as usual all my work friends were fab and really positive about me and my wig , and most of them said she is better than my normal hair , not sure what you guys are trying to say hahaha

I have relised that my blog is helping people in different ways , I have been told it shows some people how members of their family that have been through this could have been feeling and gives them a better understanding of this whole thing, it's also made people think that life is short and to grab what you can as soon as its offered as you may not get another chance, it's also made people look at their own health and change things , and I hope it has made people check their own bodies male and female. If any of you have questions when you see me , please ask .
I believe knowledge is power and the more you know the better you are prepared for anything.

I decided against Zumba tonight , I opted for a chill on the settee , even jessie is taking it easy .

a little bit of normality

To all of you that know me well ,

Guess where I have been , and no it's not costa

ZUMBA, 
For the mind body and sole

I love my Zumba family , every one was happy to see me, I did not relised that I was missed so much.
I really enjoyed Zumba , and I was really surprised how much I was able to do, if it was not for my
cough I probably would have done the whole class.
I am going to try to make it on Wednesday as well .

After I got in the shower and my grade 1 hair cut is off down the drain, I'm glad as its been hurting me the last few days. And I will rock the egg head look as well . ;)


I used to help out on a Wednesday at zumba for Natalie and take the money before all this started ,
She is such a lovely person and has bought me an Xmas present , I could not wait till Xmas and opened it.
A lovely iPad case , my ipad is what I do most of my blogging on . But after trying to get these pics on here it nearly went out of the bloody window lol

.

Pros and cons

Been thinking of pros and cons of having no hair ,

Cons:
I look like an egg
It's cold
I stand out like a sore thumb
Olivia says I look like mike
I'm constantly wearing a hat and scarf as my neck is cold
In windy situation I nearly lost jessie on the car park

Pros:
Getting dressed is far quicker after a shower
I rock the bald look
I get to wear a fab wig and become jessie which Olivia loves
I get to buy loads of head coverings
I do not have to buy shampoo and conditioner for the next 5 months
I do not need to get my hair cut for prob 12 months
I had a good laugh thinking about people's faces seeing me running after jessie if she did take flight
I can now sympathise with the folacaly challenged
IT WILL GROW BACK

So after them its totally beneficial having no hair lol

Its Jessie time

ok , so i am on day 11 and getting bored as not allowed to stay in the general pubic for long due to low immunity time , this will happen around this time every session,
I have found a way to still geta costa though, send my husband in for a take out lol.

After day 14 is when your hair starts to fall out and as you know from my other blogs I was not letting the chemo rule when that happens, so today my husband has shaved it all off to a grade 1 , I think he was more emotional than I was , I have sent a pic to a few close people and they have said that I could pull the no hair look off , but we shall see if i really do have the balls to do that. :)

I put on my make up and put Jessie on for when Olivia came home and first thing she said was "take it off then" when I did she said it feels like daddy's hair , I asked her if I still look like mummyas she told me the other day she would have to call me daddy as I would look like a boy, she said yeh now put it back on lol,

so we compromised and she got to choose which scarf I put on instead and to be honest i can now feel the cold anyway.

7 days later

Well hello every one of you lovely people out there,

though i would get a coffee and a massive bowl of home made salted popcorn and give you all a shout













I'm now 7 days down the line from my 1st ever chemo and i can safely say i am feeling fab,

when you get there they give you a bloody long of  POSSABLE side affect, prob around 12 different things that COULD happen , well , this is me and I have only had one of them , heartburn and i have a massive bottle of gaviscon to sort that out.

mike and i have been wondering how i would have been if i had not used my hypnotherapy treatment, no matter what anyone says i really do believe in mind over matter more than i ever did before, i could not even go to the dentist without passing out as i got myself so worked up to the run up of it that it all got too much , and now i swan in and out of blood test and chemo treatment as if its an every day occurance for me, even the after affects are minimal,

I have been pampered by my family , Olivia has been making me breakfast in bed and a brew , which she is really proud of doing, she is a really good kid and has coped with all this very well , quite often we forget she is only 6. I think santa will need a bigger sleigh this year to deliver her stuff.



next week my immune system is at it lowest from day 10 to day 14 and i have to be extra careful to say away from the general snotty public, but then im allowed out again , so im thinking of visiting some of you guys.


hair is still in tact for now but that will defo fall out next week, around day 14

mike had to give me an injection to boost my immune system the day after my chemo , he now feels empowered to shave my head when i want it done , i really do only have enought for one shampoo left now so im not bloody buying any more :), plus i have had so many nice and positive messages about Jessie that im looking forward to wearing her and to be honest i really do not care if anyone thinks its or even knows it a wig , i think i look good in it . plus Olivia thinks its great , so thats all that matters , oh and mike likes it a little too much on me lol

Innocents of youth / Funny moment

Let me explain as easy as I can about my chemo bag that was given to me by Naomi on take 2 of my chemo

It was all linked with hair loss but not from my head!
The item in it were:
1, Designs an animal that builds dams and has bucked teeth
2, Some bling for that same area( think towie)
3,And we'll it was called a kitty carpet, use you imagination

Now some of you know I have a 6 year old daughter and unfortunately I left these items on the stairs to take up and hide in my draws , but I forgot
She saw them on the stair this morning And asked mike what they were, I burst out laughing and mike says go and ask your mum, so she bring them upstairs and say "mum what are these"

So my explanation was ,
The kitty carpet is to keep my bits warm . But I would never use it plus it already molts more than the dog
The designer bling Is stickers to make it look nice .....lol
And the designer animal that build dams is to add fur in it to look like a monkey ,
So she starts playing with that and look on the back where it give you ideas on different designs , I have no idea how to explain that,

Her reaction was ew! and can I have the sparkly stickers lol innocents of youth

FEC it's Friday

I'm now back after my first successful round of chemo ( called fec) in my Jammies and being waited on by my lovely husband.

Well all I can say is it went smoothly and I have had no issues with this set of drugs, so I am now on the fight to battle this ,

I did get another chemo bag from Naomi but I am not able to put that on here this time , there may be children reading , but I did get a fab bag this time that I will use to carry my iPad in.



I love all your messages and I am overwhelmed with the response on this blog, today it has hit over 1000  views and has gone global as I link it to the bottom of my posts on the Macmillan site and the breast cancer care pages
So still feel free to post it anywhere you like , to get the word out there.

So for the next week I'm not sure what its going to throw at me , and how I'm going to deal with it , all I know is that I'm on my journey and glad you all have my back .

Only a small amount of chemo has an affect, it must be bloody good stuff

Well considering I only was able to get under a 5th of the chemo in me before I wanted to get naked, it seams to be having an affect 2 days later , I feel quite achy to day especially on the side where the injection was added, the dolce taxol aches your bones and can affect quick growing cells like nails and hair, but I have not had enough for that to take affect,

So I'm having a chill in bed and it may be a pain killer day, but other wise I'm fine for now .

I did not have my head shaved yesterday because my chemo does not really start again till next week and I would have regrowth of around 3 weeks so I would have to do it twice. So for now I have my curly poodle look still , but of course I can still use jessie.


Last night we decided to take Olivia to the local bonfire and fireworks at the park, my brother nick and Naomi came as well , Olivia had fun on the rides and it was really nice spending time with my family all together.

We stood in the cold to watch the fire works and the tears flooded, not sure why may be because I was having A good time with my family around me , but for some reason it made me think of mum and that she hated fireworks as it always upset her dog, did not matter which dog ,the ones she had never liked fireworks (Charlie's not bothered really,he either hard or stupid lol ) , looking up I wondered if she is watching , people believe when ever gets them through , mum never believed in that , but I do believe every thing happens for a reason, which would explain why I found my lump 2 days after mums funeral, I think she may have been poking me there to make it swell up , other wise I would not have known they were there because they are so small .


I really do not know why I feel the need to do this blog , but it really helps me to put these things down and move on , some of you should try it , you do not have to publish these things they can be. Private to you .


Right enough of this I'm getting out of bed to have some toast.

Chemo rescue pack

I have a special thank you to make to Naomi Thomas for this chemo rescue pack she gave me .

let me explain it to you :

honey and lemon to help with sickness and just because its nice
ginger bread men in small packets also to help with sickness that i can have in my bag
vasaline for my lips as they will crack
hand balm for my hands as your skin goes dry
a book to put my bog ideas in
condoms for mike so he does not lose any more hair as chemo can pass on lol
lube to moisturise the other lip of my body lol

thanks loads made me really laugh ,as i opened these as they were hooking me up
 but as my chemo went tits up i will expect another one next week lol xxxxxxxxxx

Cooking at Christies

Well it was never going to go smoothly with me was it,
I never seam to sail through anything,

 So I get there all the bloods go well and I trip off to the trial unit, by the way I did not get the trail drug I'm going to be the control group so I still get all the extra treatment , First they did not take all the blood and wanted more,
then the chemo starts within seconds and all I can describe is im on fire inside , I wanted to take all my clothes off (which I refrained from doing ) wig and all was going to come off , and yes I have come here as Jessie , and feel Fab about it. Not many people realise it is a wig. Even the nurses that see them all the time. Bonus.
So I get pumped with antihistamines and more steroids. And back on the chemo but slower, so I will be here a lot longer but on the up side I will get the antihistamine before the next time so I do not have to go through this again .

 Well my allergic reaction did not stop so I have not be able to take that drug as I'm far too sensitive to it even after they pumped me full of antihistamines so I have been pulled off it and Have to go back next week to speak to the doc on the next course of action and start the new course next week on the same day ,
we all feel really disappointed as if its another kick in the nuts, but its just another hurdle that we will have to get over , I'm sure there will be more and i have not lost my tigger because of this ,I hope that I will be just as positive next week as it has made a massive difference on how the day went .

 On the up side I have found a new disease it's called jaffamnesia it's what happens when you eat Jaffa cakes , you forget how many you have eaten and when you look the whole box has gone , I know it's real as we got this off the nurse,
 Also mike bought me a galaxy bar and bonus I won another ,
 And I have come home and had a chippy tea,

 So I need all the back up I got today next week I hope you are all up for the challenge Xxx
sarah/Jessie xxxx

Getting my self sorted

Yesterday I collected jessie , she is my new alter ego, she is sassy , sexy , and strong, I may introduce you to her if I think you can handle it.

I am typing this whilst sitting in the day room of St Luke's hospice after having a long session with a very excitable man call Frazer who is the local psycologist and runs hypnotherapy session for people with  cancer and their family's. It helps you cope through this long and possibily hard journey, not that this is everyone's bag , but those of you that know me well I am open to other options out there that  will help me .

I have come out of my session quite relaxed so if anything else I have benefited from that ,

I want control over the things that I can control, like my feelings and my hair ,(which by the way I'm defo cutting off on Saturday), so that is when Jessie will come to light.

I think I will defo come for more sessions of this and see where it takes me , if it help me keep my tigger around more and holds off the Eeyore's , that will do me , and every one is lovely and spending time with me , for me not this bloody growth .

It has been suggested to me to embrace the chemo and become allies in this fight against this bloody thing and between us we will join forces and kick is ass to kingdom come ......

Monday melt down/tinsels and baubles

Emotions riding high today, I was getting ready to go for my echo so I can go on the trial starting Friday , and I have a break down and I'm in floods of tears,
Not really sure why, may be because my treatment day is getting closer and yes I'm nervous and probably scared of the unknown side affects that I will have .

May be because since the first time I was told I had cancer I have been on such a whirl wind that I have not cried at all , every one else seams to have done enough for me .

So I have a really good cry and got massive hugs and cuddles from my ever loving husband and my beautiful daughter.

After we were talking (once I had composed my self) Mike said some thing that has stayed with me all day and made me smile :)

"He said he loves me for me and all the other stuff is just baubles and tinsel , my tinsel will grow back and I can have plastic baubles, he said once you take  them off the Christmas tree you still have a tree, "

I have felt loads better today after that this morning and I know it's healthier to have these moments than just to suppress all the feelings,


Today I also got a call from st Luke's who offer free holistic treatment to help you get through the chemo and I'm going to see a really nice guy called Frazer on Wednesday who will help me deal with the stress of my first chemo treatment and hopefully through the others

TRAMADOL HAZE

I spent four hour at the christie on Friday having a medical done so I can go on the trial drug they have offered me as we'll as the chemo,
I thought I was only going for a blood test, how wrong was I ,
They took blood and other bodily fluids, poked me , made me sign about 20 times agreeing to all sorts , took temp , blood pressure x-rays, and now sending me off to get an echo on my heart on Monday, but up to know I have passed all the tests, would you believe I am classed a fit and healthy lol
One thing that is has done is made me relise that its getting closer and I'm getting a little bit nervous , I don't think its having the chemo, or even the hair loss, it's the not knowing how sick I'm going to feel, I hate feeling sick , I want to carry on as much as I can , for my family and I don't want this to take over my life , I just want it to be an inconvince for a few days then pull out the other side. Ready for the next dose.
I have decided to shave my head next Saturday as this is the day after my first chemo, the reason behind this is when you have chemo and you hair starts to fall out around day 14 your head becomes that sensitive and your hair falling out hurts, so if I do it before all that starts I have control on how I'm going to feel.
I asked mike but he feels he is not able to do it and that is fine with me , I also want Olivia to help if she wants to .
And before you all start to offer you sadistic load of buggers I already have some one that has jumped in to that space , rather quickly as well now I think about it .......... ???????
Oh back to the tramadol
I asked them for a pain killer that I could use at night as I had had my paracetamol dosage in the day, so they gave me tramadol,
Well I only took a massive 3 over 6 hours and I have felt shit since then , and I think It totally ruined my night last night , I lasted an hour and came home got in my pj,s and went to bed at 10. What a let down , I did feel spaced all day ,
Only just been able to do this as I feel a lot less spaced now , put it this way not bloody taking any more of them.
Picking my wig up next week as well , lets see how often I wear that,
Struggling with tigger today .

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO HAVE JUST BREAST CANCER

Wtf. I hear you ask........ Well I have not been totally honest with you guys, the reason for this is I had no idea how to tell you................
as I blogged I had a CT scan done at Leighton , the results were not good , I was told that I had secondary cancer of the liver, not sure if any of you know but secondary's are not curable , they can be kept at bay and they can be liveable but inevitably you will be living with a cancer that could flare up at any point and you have to start treatment again, these results were given to me by my Macmillan nurse at Leighton........... We were yet again totally devastated , all I could think of is Olivia is only 6 and 10 years of marriage is not long enough and how long do I have left with my family, anxiety rose it bloody ugly head again, we were back at square one , I was not allowed to go on the trial and I did not know what treatment I was to have.
i was not telling Olivia ...........
as it happens my oncologist (big boss) had not seen the scan and the day after I got a call from my nurse saying, in not so many words , that the oncologist is not happy with that diagnosis and may be i should not have been told before she had seen it and that she wants to do an MRI as the christie with her team and with people that know what they are looking at as that is what they do every day.......
mike and I spent the next week till my MRI going through all scenarios , did they get it wrong, is it so big that it need major treatment,
so on the Friday just gone , I had my MRI, back to waiting again for the results..
trying to put it at the back of my mind and crossing everything I could possibly have they have it wrong,
we tried to carry on as normal for Olivia
well today I have had a call , do I want to go back on the trial ,
and what Leighton saw we're blood vessels NOT cancer
who would have thought blood vessels in my liver !

like is said in my title
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO GLAD TO HAVE JUST BREAST CANCER
there is now a light at the end of the tunnel again
so I start my chemo and trial on the 2nd November
I WILL BEAT THIS Wiht the help of my family and friends
xxxxxxxxxxx
massive tigger day, I'm now ready to go out on the piss on Saturday night xxxxxxxx

WIG SHOPPING STAGE 2

Today I have been stage 2 wig shopping with Naomi @ .http://www.discretion.uk.net/Home.htm .....she is a bad influence on me.


I get a choice of two wig shops that I can use my £95 NHS voucher(they are far more expensive than this)
so after trying on rod steward and Anthea turner last week I wanted to see if this place had any other styles


This is how it goes , we go in and she asks me a load of questions,
what lenght ?
what colour ?
straight?
curly?
so the last shop I went to seamed to be mostly blonde or colours of.... And I only got to try on the short ones not really sure why!
This time I'm going in and making sure I try on as many as possible , So then Sarah (what a fab name) starts to pull boxes out , and then the marylin comes out ?? , she says I know it's blonde but try it on and I can get in a different colour if you like it ...................
OMG that has to be the funniest ,and one of the worse wigs I have tried on ,
I might go back to primarni and get the pink one,

tears were running down my face from laughing, Naomi is killing her self and Sarah is trying not to laugh and trying to be professional , but that was it she went as well , and from that point she tried to get me to have the marylin with every offer , she even offered me chocolate to take it ...............but there is not enough chocloate for that
because of the fun we had I'm more inclined to get them from Sarah, I felt more comfortable as she read the situation and my personality really well , and for some thing that is a really hard decision to make she made it more fun even though it has a serious side as well.

eventually I have decided on 2 styles and I am just waiting for them to come in to the shop.

p.s i have also treated my self to some expensive makeup , The Christies moto is "look good feel better" and im goin to try my hardest.

xxxxx

TIGGER DAY

I was told that there are two types of cancer patients ........Tigger's and Eeyore's................
LIMBO.
Thing have been up and down in the last week, due to a Ct scan that did not pull up what they needed,iIl now have to have an MRI done at The Christie, this will be done on Friday,
because of this we have been back to square one,as we do not know what treatment I'm having and when ,as it was all relaying in the scan results, I had got my head straight and was getting my self ready for treatment to start this week.......but hey ho. It is the NHS
WIG SHOPPING.
Well all I can say is OMG
I made an appointment at an "approved NHS supplier" as I get a voucher with some money off , I would get it free if I did not work,
Rod stewart , Anthea Turner , Kevin ( off of brook side) all appeared while I was there, and for some
Unknown reason most of them she had is stock we're blonde.
One even looked like my dog Charlie ...............

I settled on one and have seen another one that she is ordering for me........not blonde
I'm still not convinced about them, but like a wedding dress I have to go and have them refitted once I have no hair ,
I may just stick to head scarfs and wooly hats which I have been buying and practicing wearing, all I know is that I will shave my head before it starts to fall out as I need that little bit of control in my life. Typical it's going to be winter and my head will be bloody cold, I will be able to sympathise with you follically challenged out there.......
BEEN IN TO WORK TODAY
Decided to get my shit together and make a trip in to work , as I have not been in since my diagnosis.
I was nervousness seeing my work colleagues and friends , as I did not know what type of reaction I would get,.....
You were all fab and would you believe it yes I did eventually get fed up of talking about my self lol
I felt like a pop star as people kept coming up and giving me a hug,and wanting to talk to me, at one point I was asked if I was starting to charge for my hugs, I did think about it as I could spend the money on another wig and not a green Mohican as mentioned by some one.............
I really enjoyed coming to see you guys and I loved my hugs from every one , It makes me feel loved and missed and not just a statistic which you can feel like going through this...
I'm hoping to come to see you all again during my treatment, may be in my wig or scarf, you never know , it may happen
P.S I can not believe how much my blog has got people talking and even some of my top bosses know about it, and a massive positive today is some people have started checking their breasts because of me, and men should do so as well, as we all have breast tissue, some just have more than others............................... no comments lol

I WILL BEAT THIS ......................PMA

Hi ,
I'm Sarah martin, I am 41,I am married and have been happily for 10 years to Michael,I have a 6 year old daughter Olivia,
3 weeks ago i have been diagnosed with breast cancer
a little bit of back ground :
After a long struggle(20 years on and off) with cancer my mum passed away the end of August 2012, she was on her 3rd round of the big C and it had spread to her spine and brain , she decided to refuse Chemo at this point as she said she would rather have a good quality of life she had left, than spending it being ill due to chemo that was not going to cure her anyway......brave woman my mum.......
We had her funeral two weeks after she died, it was a Friday (it was nice as funerals go , it was so my mum) then on the Sunday i found a massive golf ball lump on my left breast, I knew it was not normal as I did check regularly over the past few years,
NO MATTER WHAT AGE YOU ARE PLEASE CHECK YOUR BREAST, MALE AND FEMALE.
I had tried to get on the early screening but due to reasons i do not understand i was refused.
When i found it I had no idea how to say that "i had found a lump" to my family especially my husband because of what they have just been through with my mum, so that Sunday i was very quiet and hardly spoke,
my husband just put it down to me missing my mum.
That evening i told him and that was when the roller coaster started,.
Monday morning i was in the docs , who referred me to the hospital, trying to reassure me that 8/10 lumps found are not cancerous and all my symptoms , pain , lump movement, lump size change all pointed to cyst of some kind
The hospital were really quick and the following Friday I was in having a mammogram, ultra sound, core biopsy ouch!, then the waiting started , I would not get the results for 10 days after that ..............
this had to be the longest 10 days of my life , why could it not go fast like my annual holiday seams to.
I could not eat for 3 days , i felt sick , i seamed to sleep but not heavy and the second i woke up i could feel the anxiety build up from my toe to the top of my head
The dreaded day came... my husband and i sat in silence waiting for my name to be called , i was the first one in , the doc came in followed by my mums Macmillan nurse, she smiled and winked at me, the doc sat next to me and said you have two malignant tumors.
I was dumb struck, Mike was distraught,I did not know what to say , and for some strange reason i did not cry, even though my husband broke down . I remember the doc saying "you were not expecting that" the hell i wasn't.
I asked questions like,
ME: how big are they?
Doc : small 8mm and 14mm small
ME: treatment ?
Doc : 6 doses of chemo
i have a choice of where i wanted to go to , i chose The Christie as that is all they do and the care they took of my mum pending staffing levels was amazing.
a few other question were asked but its all going into a haze now
I now have the task of telling my beautiful 6 year old daughter , that mummy has the same thing that grandma has just die of............................
I needed back up , we had tried talking about it when she was out of ear shot, buy as 6 year old do she always came in when we were crying or sad, she knew something was wrong but she never asked,.
I asked my brother Nick and his better half over for moral support ,i needed to tell her about mummy.
I had done a bit of trawling on the Macmillan site and a lady had put a video of how she told her kids about it ,
So i told her in language she understood, she took it well ..too well
then it was bed time , she went upstairs and broke down as i had said its breast cancer and she had heard brain cancer (which i what my mum had, in the end)
after a lot of hugs and reassurance that mummy was not going any where, she went to bed.
The day after it was the Macmillan coffee morning so i decided to go with hubby to the hospital one,we had collected over £700 from mums funeral to give to them as she had requested.
My BCN (breast cancer nurse) Debbie is fab, she was worrying that it might remind me about mum her being my nurse as well,but it helps as i do not have to explain it all over to some one new,
she gave me a book for My daughter called "mummy's Lump" and bugger me its almost word for word how i told Olivia .. i was well proud of my self.
since then i have stayed away from google (its the worse this you can do,Google stuff) and i have stayed on the good sites like Macmillan , breast cancer care,
I have been poked , pin pricked , flushed with die, bloody taken.
****************
It is now 3 weeks later , i feel the best i have felt in years,eating , sleeping , very few anxiety attacks, i have had my hair cut shorter as it will fall out anyway and its the best hair cut i have ever had bloody typical....
i have agreed to join in a drug trial for future generations of cancer patients to help ( may be it will help me as well, it cant make it any worse)
i have arranged with my future sister in law to go Wig hunting , i have bought scarfs, hats and have been practicing how to wear them and how to do my make up when all my hair is gone,
If you see me do not ignore me , come and speak, i dont want sympathy, Hugs are nice, i will talk about it if you ask me to , or you can just load your worries on me , it gives me a break from mine,
i'm going to keep this blog going as much as i can on my ups and down of treatment.
so you can keep up with me journey...........