Where's tigger?

after spending nearly a full week in hospital , I have been quite down , i feel i have no had a break this session and I have found it really hard to get my tigger back , New Year's Eve was terrible as i was in there , I do not feel like I have been able to start a new year as I'm in the same situation as I was before , nothing has changed and I'm not able to change things either,
 I know this year I will beat this thing but I have nothing to look forward to ,
my November and December was taken up with Xmas and being able to at least have a sort of normal day ,
Don't get me wrong I enjoyed Xmas day with my family and good food and drink and having good conversation, but after that it seams to been really hardcore,
Mike has not been this ill for years as he had tonsilitis and he also has found it extremely difficult with me being in hospital and him having to do it all and now he is back at work.

We are normally a house hold that laughs but I have not heard a laugh for days we just seam to exist.thank god for olivia she is the only thing that makes me smile.

i would love to be able to enjoy food, or a drink, or even want to go out and get dressed up.

Every one has been back at work and school , and I have just stayed in the house and slept , not sure it the chemo or I'm a little depressed , I even did not think I was able to have any more hypnotherapy at st Luke's as i did not get my usual confirmation call and you are only ment to get 6 sessions , and really when a course of chemo lasts 18 weeks you are finishing your holistic sessions half way through and it seams to be the hardest time  and the time you need extra support the most.

I try to think of the positives like :
I'm half way through and only 3 left
It's a short time out of my life to have my life back
i dont have to buy shampoo

But some times I can not remember a time before this

I suppose its an accumilation of everything , being in hospital, Xmas over , every one carrying on with their lives, feeling like crap, shit weather and nothing to look forward to.

I have my 4th session tomorrow of the same drug FEC and I'm hoping to find out what's in store for the rest of my treatment that I have left, I should also find out how the ultrasound did actually go as I never really got any results from Leighton other that it shrunk

I did get a hypnotherapy session on wednesday and its amazing how much diffrence it makes to my mind set , i feel like i am ready for tomorrow now, even though i am not physically feeling 100% this time round ,

sorry for my moan but these blogs help me put stuff in to perspective and get on with it ...............